Monday, September 9, 2013

Mommy Has A Potty Mouth...

I feel like I should start this off with some sort of warning.

**For my sweet mommas who are faint of heart. I love you and I applaud your perfect mommy ways and your endless effort at whispering words only angels would say into your children's ears at all times. I do not wish to offend you. You may find the following horrifying. With that said, this post may not be for you.**

::Now entering the No Judgment Zone::

 A couple days ago I walk into my living room to find my little one had swiped a cupcake and was dropping cake crumbs all over the couches and living room floor...

OH S%#T!!! I yelled as I dive for the cupcake in baby's hand.

OH THISH!!! Yelled baby as she ran away, cupcake still in hand leaving behind a crumb trail.

Did she just say 'OH S%#T?!?!' Yells dad from the kitchen.

Yes. Yes she did. ::Hanging head in shame:: (Damn. I can't say NUTTIN!)

I should have learned my lesson when my oldest daughter, who was then three, got a Barbie brush stuck in her dolls hair, "Urgh! F%#@!" instantly covering her own mouth in shock and probably feeling super guilty that she said it out loud.

I was mortified. Not with her. With myself. I didn't find the incident "cute" until some time later.

I've seen parents that laugh at their kids misbehavior. As tempting as it to crack a smile at these teeny little kids sticking their tongues out, chubby fingers flipping the bird and baby voices cursing... I try not to. Usually the image of them doing this as they get older because we chose to laugh at it today is enough for me to see nothing funny in this.

Nothing irritates me more than to listen the way kids talk....
Am I just an old fart?
Do they even know what that means!?
They must not have had home training...

So when my oldest daughter made a tearful confession to me recently... It stung. She confessed that she recently started cursing "a little" in front of her friends because she wants to be more normal. She was afraid people were thinking she was "weird" and a "perfectionist" because she didn't curse.

My response: Why the F@%* would you want to be like everyone else!? Dammit you ARE perfect! What's so wrong with people believing that??? This S#%T is crazy! What can I do as your mother to change this???

Mom? That. Can you do that?


Can you not curse.


Does it make sense that I've gotten so wrapped up in raising a perfect little lady that I used any means necessary (cursing) to get the message across how important it is to watch what you say or do?
For example: When I hear teenagers cursing in the playground... "I can't stand the way these F%&$@N kids talk! That's so D@&N disrespectful! If I EVER catch one of you talking this way..." And there's my mild case of road rage... ::cut off by some punk:: "Watch it you STUPID F$%&!!! Can't you see I have children in the F$#@%N car!!! You dumb son-uva..." Make any sense??? No? Anyone??? Well... this is why I never made a Swear Jar. Ya know... those Swear Jars where you have to deposit a certain amount of money for every curse word you say. I'd never keep my monthly budget.

I've always used the excuse for cursing that 1. I'm an adult and I can. 2. I feel that strongly about the issue that it calls for a curse word and 3. I'm not mean or scary and I'm very soft-spoken (most of the time) and cursing is the only way I can drill a message across and sound somewhat intimidating.
However, I do have to admit... It's gotten just a little out of line. When I find myself in church making a conscious effort not to let an F-bomb slip... that's not a good thing. In my defense, a holier lady than I let the word "damn" and "hell" slip out. (She was extremely upset.) I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little better. Mostly I was just glad I didn't do it first. Or did I?

Last night my better half brought up the issue of our cursing. When we first met, he never heard a single ugly word come out of my mouth. We were in a long distant relationship... had to hook him somehow. I don't know what happened between now and then that caused me to start it up again, but I did. (Well... I have an idea but that's a whole other post.) But now with the little one learning to talk and who's vocabulary has been building from the womb, we need to bring it down a notch... or two. Not only for the obvious reasons (a house full of sponges)... But because he also felt that cursing took away from my words. He's right. There's absolutely no power behind those words. I know it. I teach it. Now it's time for momma to practice what she preaches. That's not to say I won't ever use them again, like... EVER. I am human. A very stressed human at times. But I definitely need to be much more conscious of what I say out loud. I mean... If I ever heard someone talk the way I sometimes talk in front of my kid... I'd curse them out. Now I have the fun task of coming up with "replacement" words I can stick with. Words that can roll off the tongue gracefully and effortlessly, ya know? Cause I'm a friggin' lady.
 I'm working on this list here...
F#$K! = FUDGE! or FARFENOOGAN! or the more natural sounding... UGH! YOUR MOTHER!!!
S#@T! = POO! or SHIZNIT!
SHUT THE F$%^ UP! = Yeah Right!? or SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

Any other suggestions? 



  1. Replies
    1. I gotta practice that lol... Or SHWING!

  2. I say shizer or shiz for shit - (shiza is the German word for shit) lol btw sounds like sh-EYE-z or sh-EYE-zer - emphasis on the I 😉