Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Doing all of the THINGS.

So, 2015 was the year "I wanna just DO things". Even if it fails, or I suck at it, or it's silly, or I don't know WHERE to start, or it's not how I always planned to do the THING, whatever that THING is, but the THING just doesn't seem close to ever working out... I wanna just DO all of these things! This year has been the year of digging deep and getting to the root of things. Of reopening old wounds & hurts to really FEEL them in order to finally release them. Of letting go of what was and embracing what is. Of accepting my personal truths & seeking answers to questions I never dared to ask. This lead to a spiritual & personal growth far beyond what I expected to find in the detour I decided to take in this journey. With an open mind & heart came a deeper understanding of the nature of God and the countless ways He "speaks" to us, even if we're not always listening. Now looking forward to life with a renewed sense of self and security as I go on to do more THINGS... Anything. Knowing that during the times I felt God had forgotten me- that's when He worked in me the most. Looking back now I see it clearer than ever- He NEVER left my side.

My list of CAN and DID do's so far:

After 4 years of planning, postponing, stressing when, where & how and almost accepting this wedding may NEVER happen- This once self proclaimed OCD, control freak, germaphobe, glamazon, perfectionist, people pleaser, STRICTLY INDOOR girl FINALLY married her BFF... outside... in the woods... where there's bugs, heat & dirt... by a waterfall... no control over anything MUCH LESS the weather...  with a very small guest list... and a whole LOT of chaos... in an actual wedding dress ordered ONLINE... the park open to the public and unknown to us hosting a costume themed charity scavenger hunt on the same day as our WEDDING... and it was PERFECT.

The most recent of these things... When I was 8 years old I was told I had not one dad, but two. Pssh! Who's ever heard of anyone having TWO dads?? Mami's crazy! Much to my surprise, my dad confirmed that this outrageous story was, in fact, true & that my other dad also loved me very much. After 25 years of not having a whole lot of information about the person who makes up the other half of my DNA & seeing him just once but having been too shy to look at his face & many, MANY attempts at searching for him- I found my biological dad. I found him & a BIG, beautiful bunch of family that I was surprised and relieved to find had been looking for me too. This includes 2 living and happy grandparents, 5 aunts, 2 uncles I think (one no longer with us, but if I tell you HOW I found my family, you may beg to differ), 3 brothers, 2 sisters, 7 nieces and nephews and I'm not sure that an accurate cousin head count is even possible. 
Finding this side of my family is a Blessing to an already Blessed life. I've been quietly processing and allowing it to sink in- that the ones I thought I'd never find and tried to make peace with the idea that I may NEVER who they are- I found. I'll be meeting them in Puerto Rico in a few days <3


I opened my Etsy shop. I'd been saying I wanted to do this for several years before I actually just DID it. Self doubt & fear is a dream killer. This was one of many things I put off on doing out of fear that I'd fail at it. I'd think up a million things I' needed to know first and a thousand and one reasons why I'd suck at it. I'm not disciplined enough. I won't have time. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to make. I don't get the whole shipping thing. My ADHD won't let me. What if I don't sell anything. And just how most of my other brilliant ideas have come up (the same brilliant enthusiasm that encouraged me to catch a plane to CT for a day and a half  apparently for the sole purpose of getting knocked up) I figured... SO WHAT?! So what if I fail, or I suck or I don't know how to do something? Just DO IT and the rest of the boring details I could leave up the hubs who actually enjoys doing all the tedious tasks I find to be torturous. Which also lead to ASKING FOR HELP when my genius falls short and allowing him to help me DOESN'T  make me a failure. Not TRYING does. Now, it's a work in progress as I find my creative niche... but the point is- I did the thing

I camped out. Like, ACTUALLY slept outside. I mean, we WERE in a tent, in sleeping bags & in my brother in laws backyard... BUT there was NO air mattress between us and the hard ground so it was a pretty big deal. Skunks are considered "dangerous wildlife", right?

I just stopped giving so much of a damn. I consider myself to be pretty modest by choice. Some days a lot more than others. Not because someone TOLD me I have to be... not because I believe the heavens will strike me dead for showing off cleavage. I just am. Depends on the day and the mood. But really, I'm the queen of  finding ways to camouflage and cover up. Especially when it comes to swimwear. I had been hiding the scar next to my belly button since I was little kid and I threw a fit when my mother had the audacity to buy me a two piece bathing suit to wear to summer day camp in front of the other kids. For the last several years I've been flexing my not-giving-a-damn-muscles as I've become extremely aware of  a whole lot of other people who SHOULD give a LITTLE bit of a damn but don't. They're on to something, these don't-give-a-damners. There was a day I wouldn't dare take a full body pic, standing up, in my bathing suit and post it online. But my daughter was looking super cute & since moms are the first example a girls got to look to for a lesson in self esteem and confidence (and you can only take so many selfies before they all start to look the same)- this day, not two shits were given. 

Found the perfect non-boxed permanent hair color, paired it with a 10 developer which creates a DEMI color but permanent enough to result in 100% gray coverage and developed the perfect reverse balayage ombre technique in order to keep my two toned color AND get rid of new grays without ruining the lighter bottom portion for less than $11 every couple months. I did this. And yes, it's a BIG deal. 

DOING things just cause it's fun. Even if I look a little ridiculous. Even if it's in the expense of my son's bike tires. Even if I'm tired or it hurts. That's what the Epsom is for.

And the year ain't over yet!