Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Natural Born Bullies

Mother Nature is a genius. It should come as no surprise since she is after all, a woman. In this case however... she fooled us. She fooled us ALL. David recently showed me a YouTube video by a dude named VSauce devoted to the science of "Cute". Did you know that a babies features are mother natures way of making us want to care for them? A babies cuteness is their way of ensuring their survival. And WE as humans are hardwired to respond to these cute, micro sized (part of their cuteness) strangers with big shiny eyes, rosy cheeks and teeny, weeny baby version of daddy's feet by: touching & changing their shit, wiping their drool, letting them vomit on our shoulder, giving up our sleep as well as our sanity, picking their boogers with our finger nails, toting their luggage everywhere we go, let em' crack our nipples til they bleed, spend hours on end making "connections" in their brain while losing the ability to remember our own birth date... we let em take over our house, our life, our thoughts, our finances and what should of been dads man cave... Granny panties.
 This is what cute does to us. That we would purposely sign up for this.
I can see David's point he says "Baby's should be illegal!" (mostly when they're crying) despite the fact that he's now raising SIX of them. (And a very cute but naughty dog.)

Now, Mother Nature really takes the cake with toddlers. Babyhood with all of it's cuteness, sacrifices and selfless devotion invested, only ensures the survival of the human toddler. Once you've invested all that you have into the baby and they're walking and communicating in somewhat understandable babble and gestures, the rest should be easy peasy. Toddler hood. Heh... I got this!

I was pregnant with my first baby when I was thrown into a room full of toddlers for the first time EVER. How do I describe the experience...hmmm...
It was almost as traumatizing as the day I saw my kids baby hamsters eat the new set of baby hamsters. It was like watching a war scene from the movie 300... only with a little less blood and their weapons of choice were little cardboard books, plastic food from the play kitchen and sensory balls. I watched one little boy bite the arm of an innocent bystander out of the frustration of having his ball snatched away. As I walked over to pick up and comfort the victim of this brutal attack, a teacher chimed in...
"Don't pick her up... She has to learn to comfort herself..."

So... She saw this too? And did NOTHING!?  

Soon I learned why...
I rubbed the little girls arm and turned away from her to witness a little boy trying to drag a little girl away from a pile of blocks by her hair. Another kid threw a ball straight into another little boys face who had been sitting minding his own business. The biting, hitting, scratching, kicking, crying, screaming, snatching, stealing, throwing, stomping and adult sized poops went on for what seemed a lifetime. (I was there 45 minutes total) I walked out of the toddler room feeling like I just survived walking through the crossfire between two rival gangs.
They're... bullies. They're ALL bullies!!! Walking, talking, miniature, savage, primal but oh so cute BULLIES!

I felt for the hardworking toddler teacher who was forced to put aside her urges (surely) to love on and comfort these beautiful creatures in order to keep the nursery from being demolished by them. I looked down at my growing belly and made a promise to the little human inside.

And that's the very first time I thought... "I want to be a stay at home mom."

I started off this blog session with an elbow leaning into my neck as my now toddler played with the Velcro on her shoes that eventually ended up stuck in my hair. She snatched my iPad for her Disney Junior app so I'm now finishing this off on the laptop. She takes our money. She digs her sharp elbows and knees into my thighs when I sit down. Our television is set to Nick Jr all day even if she's not watching it. We have to share our room while the older kids get their own rooms. She climbs, kicks and rolls all over me for her entertainment and she steals my food. Her poop stinks... Grannie panties.

But Mother Nature is a funny chick I tell ya. Cause when this beautiful little creature throws her pudgy little arms around my neck and squeezes my face into the heaven that is getting lost in the soft, flowy, curly tendrils of her hair... it's so worth it. Here. Take the money. Take my iPad... my time... here... take my watch. Sure, you can have my food even though you just ate.  When she calls for "Mummy" I get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside even when I know she's only wanting something from me... cause she does so much more for me. Along with the bullying comes her giggles and her laughs. Her cute little feet and the way she looks when she scrunches her nose. Her antics and her cleverness. It's a bonus that she's always been a good sleeper and we can take her out for dinner and genuinely enjoy her company. How she rocks her tutus and the way she puckers up her lips when she wants a kiss and actually says "Mmmuah!" as she does it. The perks to living with this bully are endless. For all the joy she brings... Nick Jr really isn't that bad. Have you seen these characters?!

They're so CUTE!

My little bully... eating MY tomato by the way...