Thursday, November 14, 2013

This Is 30

You know that moment when you realize you've hit rock bottom?

I had that moment last night.

Now, when I say "rock bottom", I'm not referring to my family life, my man, or my kids and all the good stuff and feelings that come along with that. In retrospect I'm almost positive I'll remember this time as one of the sweetest times of my life. STRESSFUL... draining... sometimes monotone... mostly chaotic... But sweet. Let me explain...

Last night I was cuddled up on the couch with the babe watching This Is 40.

As depressing as it was that I was able to relate so well to the life of a 40 year old as portrayed in this movie (I just turned 30.)... It sucked a little bit more noticing that this 40 year old couple are still a pretty cute and trendy couple in pretty good shape. (Minus the meatless boobs.) And here I am laying around in my loves NY Yankee crop neck shirt (which does nothing but make me look wider) and a pair of painted on grey yoga capris. (I don't do yoga.) I was already feeling a certain type of way [QUEEN OF FRUMP] about the fact that I have started digging into my babes drawers for clothes. But it's freezing out. There's nothing I wanna do in this cold...nowhere to go... nobody to do anything with so I've checked in a little early into my winter 'I don't give a f@%#' mode. Anyway... Halfway into the movie the hubs is tugging at the back of my capris..

OMG Jess really??? He says... Is this a lollipop?!

What? Where? What are you doing??

He rips the bright red lollipop off the back of my leg. 

We both broke out laughing. Except my laughter quickly turned into a laugh/cry because it was funny as shit wondering how long I had been walking around with a bright red lollipop stuck to the back of my leg but at the same time so incredibly SHAMEFUL.

This is a new level of pathetic for me... Dropping lollipop in a cup. 

I fought my laugh/cry turning into an uncontrollable sob. I was seriously mourning the loss of what I used to be. A girl obsessed with natural body scrubs, bangle bracelets and maintaining my French pedicure.  I had one night each week reserved for "beautifying" which involved all the routine stuff girls do but no one knows they actually make the effort to care about those things. I concerned myself with the size of my pores, face exercises and making sure blood circulates to the tip of my fingers cause it helps my nails grow. It's crazy to think I once gave damn about those things. Granted, when I cared about these things, I was still the mom of an 8 and 5 year old. I can't pull out the 'Mommy Card' to excuse this one... I'm using the "Floridian now residing in Connecticut & Also Mom of a Toddler Card".

I should have considered my all time low to be last week while I was shopping for party supplies and the gentleman in line in front of me had to clarify whether it was my "daughters or my GRANDDAUGHTERS birthday I'm celebrating?" WAT??!! Is he really asking ME that question??? I froze for a second from the initial shock... I smiled and did my best to hide my emotions as I answered him...

She's my daughter. I'm only 30.

I couldn't be too hard on myself though. My eyeliner from the night before had run down my face and I was exhausted from having been dragged to a concert in New York the night before with my oldest daughter. I had about 3 hours of sleep under my belt and it was too early after my coffee for the whole espresso part of it to have kicked in. Besides, judging by the look of humiliation on his wife's face when he initially asked that question... I'm sure he heard about it later. 

On the bright side... According to the movie, the happiest time in a persons life is between the ages of 40 and 60. Considering I had a head start at this whole MOM thing... I like to think my happiest years will be sometime between now and 50... Maybe 60. I would assume that part of being happy is having your shit together, taking better care of yourself, kids are a little older and more independent, and from having learned from experience that no one can care for you as well as YOU can. Prior to watching this movie, I read that a tip to becoming a better parent is to make YOURSELF [and your relationship] the #1 priority. In other words once I decide to put my needs before the needs and wants of the tribe and stop draining my energy with worrying about ALL the shit we want to do for them... It will only get better from here. I will only get better from here... right? I mean... RIGHT?! 

Well... I don't know that I'm able to make those adjustments just yet, but I def need to work on getting my sexy back. 

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